Oceans of java
The caffeine courses through me
Yet still I crave sleep
Monday Morning Haiku
If the falling rain
was coffee instead, I still
wouldn’t have enough.
Man cannot subsist on coffee and pizza-flavored HotPockets alone.
But he can damn well try.
Oh yeah, it’s a good day…
- Work is hosting a golf tournament today, which means I leave early, have lunch and drinks and dinner all paid for while I enjoy the nice 75 degree weather on the golf course
- Afrin to the rescue, subduing my runny nose once again!
- Finishing off a Dunkin’ Donuts coffee as I type this
- Finishing off a work assignment that has been bugging me for weeks as I type this
- Finishing off The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest tonight, if I can help it
- Finishing off this post before it gets too long
A Typical Early Morning Conversation
- Me: *snoring*
- Alarm clock @ 5: 15: *Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* WAKE UP. WAKE UP. *Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
- Me: Huh? Wha? Huh?
- Alarm Clock: WAKE UP. Or I will continue to blare Top 40 Country hits until I wake up your wife and daughters.
- Me: Huh? Wha?
- Me: Wait, what is going on here?
- Me: Does that clock say 5:15? Who the hell set the alarm for 5:15?
- Me: Oh wait, I set the alarm for 5:15.
- Me: Why on earth did I set the alarm for 5:15 again?
- Me: *slides out of bed, turns off the alarm*
- Alarm Clock: See ya tomorrow, sucker.
- My Body: Wait. What are you doing standing up? We should be sleeping right now.
- Me: I'm not exactly sure, myself. Brain, you want to weigh in?
- My Brain: You've reached Ross' Brain. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message I'll get back as soon as possible. Hahahaha.
- Me: Umm.
- Body: Seriously. Get horizontal now, or I'm gonna do it for you.
- Me: Wait. Running. I'm supposed to go running this morning.
- Body: Are you kidding? There's no way I'm going running this morning. Actually, I don't know why I'm even having this conversation with you. I'm going back to bed.
- Me: (weakly) No.
- Body: Excuse me?
- Me: (more strongly) Just give me a minute. Nap while I stand here and think for a second.
- Body: Ok, get back to me when you decide to go back to bed.
- Me: *shuffles to kitchen, makes cup of coffee and toasted english muffin w/ peanut butter*
- Brain: Is that coffee?
- Me: I think so.
- Brain: *sniffs* GIMME.
- Me: Hold on, it's too hot.
- Brain: DON'T CARE. GIMME.
- Brain: Oof. Why am I so fuzzy?
- Me: Because it's 5:27?
- Brain: Yeah, that'd do it. Ok, drink your coffee and I'll check back in with you in 10.
- Me: *sips coffee and eats breakfast in silence*
- Brain: Hey, so, question for you...
- Me: Shoot.
- Brain: Do you really need me on this run? Or can I check out until you're done?
- Me: Um. As long as I'm aware enough to watch out for cars, I should be ok.
- Brain: Cool, yo. Catch you later!
- Me: *gets geared up, stretches, and heads out the door*
- Me: *starts to jog down the block*
- Body: WHOA. Whoa. WHOA. WHOA. What the hell are you DOING??
- Me: Running. Or at least trying to.
- Body: Who told you that you could do that?
- Me: Um. I need to. I want to. I think.
- Body: You could have asked me.
- Me: You were off in dreamland. Next time, help me out when I’m trying to get up and I'll ask for your input.
- Body: Yeah, like that's gonna ever happen.
- Me: Asking for your input?
- Body: No, me helping you out.
- Body: I'll have you know I'm doing this under duress.
- Me: I know. BELIEVE ME, I know.
- Body: I'm not going to like this, you know.
- Me: Yes you will.
- Body: I'll believe it when I see it.
- Me: Um, you like running.
- Body: NOT AT THE BUTTCRACK OF DAWN I DON'T.
- Me: Relax, relax. Look, we're already a half-mile in to the run. Don't you feel better?
- Body: Not really.
- Me: Then why are you running a minute faster pace than you were when we started?
- Body: Because the sooner I hit 4 miles, the sooner I'm done with this running crap.
- Me: That's the ticket. Stick with me, kid, and you'll go far.
- Body: Yeah, not the best way to convince me to keep going.
- Brain: HEY GUYS! MAN, THESE ARE SOME MONDO ENDORPHINS! I FEEL GREAT! I'M FLYING! I COULD REPROVE FERMAT'S LAST THEOREM WITH NO PAPER RIGHT NOW! MAN, DON'T YOU STOP RUNNING, EVER!
- Me & Body: Shut up. Shut up now, or I will watch reruns of According to Jim until you shrivel up and are left sobbing in the deepest recesses of my head.
- Brain: (meekly) OK. Hey, look out for that car.
- Me: Thanks.
- Brain: Don't mention it.
- Body: Um, guys - next time, can you plan a route that doesn't involve hills?
- Brain: That's sort of hard to do around here. We can minimize 'em, but unless we make laps in the neighborhood or drive over to the middle school track, it's hard to keep it level.
- Body: Fine by me!
- Brain: Laps around the neighborhood are only slightly more appetizing than watching episodes of Deal or No Deal. I will do everything in my power to sabotage you at work today if you force me to do that more than once a week.
- Me: Ok, ok, settle down, guys. Look, we'll work out a compromise later. Right now though, let's just get through this last mile and then we can move on to something a little more fun this morning.
- Body: Like sleep?
- Brain: Like more coffee?
- Me: How about - a shower, some yogurt, and a nice leisurely drive to work with air conditioning and some interesting podcasts to listen to?
- Body and Brain: Deal.
- Me: *sighs* And to think I'm crazy enough to consider training for a half-marathon this fall.
- Body and Brain: WHOA. Whoa. WHOA. WHOA.
- Me: *sighs*
- We’ve got at least one individual with very strong passive-aggressive tendencies in the office. They also apparently don’t know how to use their spell-check program, although they did quite a nice job at the formatting for the “Low Coffee Level” contestants. (I would have centered the headings above the blank spaces, but that’s just a personal preference.)
- We’ve got at least one smartass in the office (not counting myself [and I did not write either the note or the response])
- I am almost positive this is going to escalate into a conflict of epic proportions, and the only solution will be to nuke the coffee machine and have everyone start drinking tea. Stocking up on my Earl Grey, just in case.
Black as night, sweet as sin.
Redneck Mocha Recipe
- 8-12 oz. black coffee
- 1 package powdered hot chocolate mix
- International Delights Flavored Creamer
Add hot chocolate mix to cup of coffee and stir. Add creamer to suit. Enjoy!
For extra Redneck “street cred”, substitute 1 Tbsp Instant Coffee and 8-12 oz. hot water for black coffee, above.
GPOYW - The “I can’t hear you and won’t be able to until I finish this coffee” edition. (Taken with picplz.)
Inforgraphic of the Day: Current Worldwide Annual Coffee Consumption per capita, according to the World Resources Institute.
Conclude from this what you will.
Moving to Sweden, BBL.
My life in print.